Sunday October 11, 2015
Earlier this morning after first church service, with lot’s of people walking in every direction and I took a seat on a comfortable chair in the foyer to collect my thoughts and soak in the sermon I just heard along with my surroundings. I started to look around and between the people walking I caught a glimpse of Pike’s Peak mountain in the distance out the front doors of the church. My wondering eyes immediately stopped and focused. I stared down this mountain soaking in it’s beautiful detail against a cloudless deep blue sky. It was difficult to take my eyes away as I began to feel insignificant and small in the scheme of things. I started to think about my life and what it all means. Where I’ve been, where I am and where I am going. Listening to my son tell me about his evening the night before at homecoming dance, he described some of his classmates. I could not help but think about my own childhood as I told him the people in our life and the interactions we have with them shapes us. I said to him that God put those people our life for a reason.
I am coming to believe that as much as I have choices, I really don’t. Sure, I can decide to put on a red shirt instead of a blue shirt or black socks instead of white socks but how much of that really impacts who I am? I am who I am because of the experiences I’ve had in life and because where God has placed me for specific purpose and ultimately for his glory as he works out His will in my life. As I take an even deeper look, I see things for what they are. There is good and there is evil. Even though wicked things happen on this earth, God is sovereign and nothing is going to happen unless God allows it. There are no accidents. The way things are… are the way things are and for good reason. For God’s glory. So for me to separate myself from his will is impossible. Try as I might, God always pulls me back and points me in the direction of his choosing.
Early on, I took Caleb’s death very as very personal. Not that I ever expected that my life would be perfect after following Jesus, I just don’t see why. This is where Idolatry creeps in as I try to create a god who would never allow children to die. I can’t help but think that if I were God, I would do things differently though the truth is I don’t have a clue. These are the big things in life I wonder about as I try to figure out God and his will for my life. Why things happen the way they happen and why am I here in this very moment writing this very sentence. I guess a lot of what I am experiencing is really a philosophical questions about free will, God’s will and what choices we really have in respect to affecting God’s will or truly making our own decisions and if the decisions we make are really only a perception of free will or is God’s foreknowledge of the decisions we would make in life really just part of His plan for our lives from the beginning. Since God knows the end, didn’t it already happen?
Though I travel this blog entry down bunny trails, I have become more and more aware of how my life is not about me and it never was. Everything points to God’s glory. God will be glorified in everything in the end as his perfect will unfolds whether I understand it or not. In the moment, I don’t always see God’s plan for my life because I am too selfishly focused on how it affects me in the here and now instead of how it’s shaping me for the future. It’s the bigger looks back that I see God’s hand causing certain events in my life for his specific purpose. So many small choices piled up to a point where my son had a chance to wonder off to that pond. Any one of those small choices in life played a part but by themselves where very insignificant.
I try not to consume my mind with theological/philosophical questions but being a thinker, I ponder what it life means since we only get one of them here on this earth I want to understand what I believe and why like why I trust God’s plan for my life and how little I have to do with it. God has most definitely brought me to this place and it’s here that I realize that it’s not about me and it never was. This is not to say we are puppets. In fact, to prove I am not a puppet I will write the words, “I am not a puppet” because I chose to. Just like I put a blue shirt on instead of red one that begs the question if Judas in the bible had a choice to betray Jesus. Did he? There seem to be some choices that we make that are very much our own but others that seem to be our own but were part of the big picture from the beginning since God created it all. Did I really chose to put that red shirt on?
I was put on this planet to do one thing. To glorify and worship God and this is what I will do even when I don’t always feel like it. It was hard not to take Caleb’s death personally as I know God has the power to raise him up again or not allow it to happen in the first place. I know life does not work this way and no amount of faith could affect God’s will. It’s easy to praise God when things go our way but more meaningful is to still praise God when things don’t go our way because it’s not about us and I will do just that… Praise God through the storm. I certainly don’t have the answers but I know the one who does. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I know the one who does.
Tuesday October 13, 2015
Even though I was very busy at work, there is definitely an undercurrent with tomorrow looming on my soul. It’s not about a day but a reminder of what I am missing, what I don’t have and what has taken Caleb’s place… A very mysterious state of being that does not feel like home. In some ways, I am still in shock… I recap this last year and feel like it was just a bad dream and I am waiting for someone to wake me up. Did Caleb really die? Though I don’t really expect that to happen, I just like to wish it were so sometimes…
When I got home from work I started my chores and Tiffany left to go to Walgreens with Alexis so I cranked up the music which I don’t get to do often and it seemed that God’s Holy Spirit met me there for sure right where I was at. The well of my soul overflowed with some water that steamed down my face and God met me right where I was. Good stuff.
Later, Tiffany and I went to our couples bible study and we had a great time. We’ve met two other couples there and we really click. At the end when the pastor asked who wanted prayer, Tiffany was the first and only one who raised her hand and Tiffany explained that we lost our son one year ago tomorrow and we wanted prayer. This was a big step for her and the entire room surrounded us and prayed. It was a very special moment. Most of the people we barely know and are just getting to know… I felt very much at peace. I feel at home when I am at church. Very relaxed. I really enjoy that time and it’s been great. Rocky Mountain Calvary Church has been a great match for us. The sermons seem to be written for us and this very moment in our lives. Hard to explain other than being divine (duh). 🙂
In fact, speaking of divine…When I got home, my wife mentioned she did not even want to go to bible study because she did not want to be around people. She was obviously stressed… So much is going on and every day is challenging. When she went to Walgreens she stopped on the way at to pick up our daughter Alexis at the community fountain and took her along. While there Alexis called with excitement to Tiffany, “Hey mom, look what I found!” Turned out to be heart socks! I know I wrote briefly about the significance of those in an earlier blog post but they were the only ones on the shelf and the last set to boot. God met Tiffany in that moment and when she got home, she said she changed her mind and wanted to go to bible study and we ended up having a great evening. So for now, I feel very relaxed about tomorrow. I miss Caleb like crazy and tomorrow a year ago was a very bad day for us but tomorrow is not last year and we are going to be OK. We still struggle but as I look back over this year, God has been guiding us the whole way. We still covet your prayers and let’s see what tomorrow brings and face it head on as the battle belongs to the Lord.
Author: Andrew Dubas
I can be reached @ andrew@dubas.org
