When my wife and I learned some 11 months ago we would be having another child the news came with mixed emotions. I think fear was very real and in the front of our minds especially for my wife whom for so long could not even hold a baby let alone be around babies. To this day she struggles when seeing little blonde hair boys who are Caleb’s frozen age of 18 months. Would there be comparisons? Who would this new child look like? Would we accept him? Would my wife get postpartum? The unknowns were quite overwhelming. As time when on and the pregnancy became very real and obvious, reality crept ever closer with each passing day closer to delivery.
At times during my wife’s pregnancy I would question God as to why he would allow our son Caleb to die only to bless us with another child. It only makes me question free will and how much God allows or controls. The whole Armenian / Calvinist struggle. It’s not something I need to figure out but certainly as I ponder why things happen the way that they do, I find myself questioning a lot. Wrestling with reality and my existence. I get at times down some deep theological rabbit holes as I search for answers and press into God. Something does not feel right in the world and I sense things changing. I can’t quite place my finger on it yet but with political and global financial markets in turmoil and uncertainty, it is leaving most me with an uneasy spirit. I find myself looking up as to know God is about to move in a big way when things break down. Global war seems to be in the air…
All these things and the pain we have gone through only heightens my awareness to the world around me and for what life my children will experience. Though these thoughts permeate my spirit from time to time, nothing is more mysterious than the miracle of life. On July 20, 2016, we welcomed a new son into this world and the anticipation was intense and the emotions consuming. I know my wife and I wept with joy when our new son was born. We accepted him with open arms and embraced God’s blessing. One of the neatest thing to see was that God gave him dark hair unlike most of our other children. There was no need to compare because our new son was obviously different. God knew precisely what he is doing. I lose sight of that often in my own pride and selfishness. We are truly blessed.
One of the most difficult things and even now that our new little guy is two months old, Caleb’s name keeps coming to my lips when I want to say hello to the new baby. This is the same for my wife. We have to think for a second. It’s like we are programmed to say Caleb even though our new son is named Xavier. I think over time this will diminish and I know for myself it is getting easier to say Xavier instead. This new little guy is starting to smile and is growing well. One thing is for sure, he is a huge mental distraction from the pain of losing Caleb along with our older kids in school and the business of life has really made a big difference. Though I still try to control how much I think about Caleb, it is becoming easier to talk about him and our loss with others. Doing so is mostly therapeutic it is still fresh being not even two years out from Caleb’s death.
I continue to press on and seek God’s guidance. We host a small group from church and its been great to get to know knew people and make friends here in Colorado. We continue to explore this great state visiting 10 state parks this past summer. The beauty of this state is intoxicating… I really enjoy it. I often think about writing but more times than not, I find myself too busy with life or not feeling lead to write. I like to write when my emotions are ripe so that they spill into my words so you might understand and feel where I am. As for now I am long and need to sleep. I just wanted to update on our status. We will see how much I write but this process I think needs to be shared. That there is hope after losing a child. That things do get better with time. That the wounds slowly heal. To God be the glory as we try to figure this thing out.
Author: Andrew Dubas