Today has started it would seem like any other day but the weight I did not want to give this day is here and parts of me wants to ignore it and act as if it never happened but reality dictates a much different scenario. There is a reality that grabs hold of me and shakes me to attention. There have been several times Tiffany has brought to my attention this day and what we might do. To be honest, each time I gave it some thought but mostly brushed it off. Tiffany is a planner and likes things in order so I know it’s important but this is not a day I want to glorify or give too much significance to. I mean, I do and I think I am but I am not sure what to make of it or even how to handle it. Cool and calm would be how I am on the outside but the days leading up to today were not exactly graceful.
As an example, yesterday was Easter and though I went through the physical motions of getting ready for church and driving my family there, I found myself totally in rejection mode. I’m not sure if I was mad at God or just needed God in a different way. Don’t get me wrong, I understand full well what Easter represents but in some ways it’s so busy with people who only go to church once a year and to me it doesn’t feel right. I’m not a huge people person to begin with but this is not what was simmering under my lid and instead of parking my car and going inside, I made a break for it and drove home instead.
I took the time as I was driving home to consider if I was making the right decision but at this point I made it a very selfish one. I knew we were having people to our house for Easter dinner and though my wife had made a valiant effort to straighten, I knew there was plenty of detail work to do so I wanted to do something that would make my wife feel better and clean the house in detail so that she would have one less thing to worry about as guests were coming.
The thing is, I wasn’t really after that motive when I left church though it was a big part of it. In reality, I had an appointment with God that I had been avoiding. I love to play worship music and I don’t get to blare it as often around the house because either the kids have control of the room or Tiffany asks me to turn it down. I took this time to both worship and clean. I have a playlist from when Caleb past away and I put that on and it rocked me. I was OK for a little while but soon found myself on my knees weeping and crying out to God. Some days seem OK but this losing Caleb thing is a big deal. Yes, we are getting better at making it through each day and certainly on the surface we seem quite normal but there is always an undercurrent.
I can’t quite describe it but it’s like a water dripping on my forehead. Not a steady drip like early on but definitely not something that can be ignored or shoved out of my mind. I’m not going to attempt to flesh this description out in this blog but there is a piece of me that is missing and can’t be replaced with anything this planet has to offer. Yes, I can be distracted from it for a time but as I mentioned earlier, reality dictates a different scenario that I do not control.
Today on April 6, 2015, Caleb was born two years ago. Two years old. I wish I could be celebrating in a different way and I want to celebrate but the magical question is how? Do we have a cake? Do we sing? Do we just talk and reflect? Do we go through pictures? Caleb is NOT TWO… He is frozen in pictures and video and our minds at 18 months of age. I don’t want to wonder what today would be like if it weren’t his not being here as my reality. Yes, my mind floats to years from now and what other birthdays might be like or what Caleb would be like or what man would he have become but they would be a lie. The things that will never happen.
No, today I want to celebrate Caleb’s short 18 months with us. I want to proclaim and celebrate the gift God gave us. He truly was a blessing in every respect it’s just I want more of him and my goal is to focus more on the blessing he was during that time and remember him. It’s just that it hurts so deeply that he is not here. At just about 6 months out from his going home to be with the Lord, it’s still very raw and as much as I want to go through his pictures, I just can’t right now. This wound is still very open. Though it’s been stitched to some degree, it’s still seeping and oozing and needing care. Thank you Lord for the many blessings and thank you for Caleb. We miss him dearly but know he is in good hands.
Please continue to pray for our family and especially for this day that we might find it more joyful in reflection than painful and raw. God’s will, not ours be done.
I miss you little buddy.
Author: Andrew Dubas