Finding words is perhaps the most difficult aspect of trying to describe the aftermath of losing Caleb. In the first few hours, I did not entirely understand what happened. One moment life is rainbows and unicorns and the next I am trying desperately to rescue my son from bodily death. Being trained in CPR is something every parent should have in their parental toolkit. In fact, if you are reading this now, waste no time in finding how to be trained. Your child’s life may depend on it or even a complete stranger who may need you. That being said, in the initial moments my training took over and looking back, I executed flawlessly. By God’s grace I remained calm. Directed Tiffany to dial 911 and told Jeremiah to run to the end of the driveway to meet the ambulance so not one moment would be wasted. Though I know nowadays that chest compressions are key I did manage to give Caleb breath into his lungs. Though he did not respond I did not stop the compressions. I was not tired and not fatigued. I turned into a machine. I did not pass Caleb to the EMTs until they were absolutely ready to take over and even then was not entirely ready to pass responsibility over to another. While they were preparing him for the ambulance, I ran inside to get a dry pair of pants and get my wallet. Time could not go any slower. From the time it took for the ambulance to reach our home until we made it to route 100 and then route 29 and finally Lehigh Valley Hospital, screamed eternity!
I recall exactly where it happened… Even though I was praying and pleading the entire time I was giving CPR to Caleb, it was not until We reached route 100 that my requests to God took a significant change. After we turned left off of Huffs Church Rd and entered the straight away where we could finally drive a little faster, I begged God to be Caleb’s replacement. For Caleb’s cup to be passed to me. As a father, the love for my children knows no bound. I would gladly lay down my life to save my family, or any member of my family. I continued to plead not only for Caleb’s life but also for God to strike me down as a substitute if it were possible. I did consider that my family needed me however if there was any way for me to drink Caleb’s cup, I would do so. We would eventually arrive at Lehigh Valley Hospital and the ER trauma team did everything perfectly but it was too late. God said, “NO.” This would not be the first time God has said no to me in my life but this was exceedingly difficult to swallow. My flesh would soon take over and anger started to set in. Though I will not dwell on my anger with God, it’s important to see how my attitude towards God would change in the hours after Caleb’s passing. I will expound on this in more detail soon in another post. Even writing this now I also can’t help but think how God allowed his Son Jesus to take my place. John 3:16 has vivd new meaning. A verse so common and perhaps shoved aside by many without counting the cost.
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”